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car alarm - dane cook lyrics

there are certain sounds in this world, that when you
hear them, they make you react in different ways. there
are certain sounds that when it floats into your
eardrum – and it goes high into your cerebellum –
located near your limbic system – you hear the sound,
you react in a certain way. some sounds, soothing,
right?
you hear like the sound of a babbling brook blbllblbb
…maybe the sound of the dryer with the
towels…rhrhhhrhhrh….rhhrhhr….that was a horrible
impersonation of – i know, don’t bull sh-t me, that was
bad. that’s the best i can do…..rhhhrhrhhrh….rhhh.
i’m laundry in a dryer….it’s like haunted laundry in
there…rhrhhhrhrhrhrh.
…but then there are certain sounds in this world that
for whatever reason, just the way it hits you, it makes
you wanna punch a baby…
it makes you want to punch a baby…
god forbid you’re in a nursery when you hear that
sound, you go on a baby punching tangent, you will
start punching..-pop- wahhhhhhhhh! -pop- wahhhhhhh!
-pop- wahhhhhhhhhhh -pop- wahhhhhhhhhh..
god help me! it’s the sound that makes me punch
infants! -pop- wahhhhhhhhhhh

i like when it’s late at night and uh, i’m in bed,
right? and i’m cozy… i’m watching justice files.
which is my favorite show. right? (crowd cheers)
i’m glad you appreciate it like i do. some times people
come up to me and ask my why i like justice files, and
i say it’s simple. cause i love justice! and i love
files! and when the two come together, i could blow a
justice-y load. i could blow a justic-y, file-y load!
but i like when you’re laying in bed, cozy. all of the
sudden, outside, you hear a car alarm go off for like
46 minutes. (imatates car alarm sounds) it inspires
me… i walk around my house… in fact one time… i
wrote lyrics. yeah, now when i hear one, i stand on my
bed and sing. “heeeellllllllloooooooo? i’m a
caaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr!, gas-o-line-makes-me-run,
baaaaackseat, truuuuunk sp-ce, heeeellllllllloooooooo!,
let’s go for a riiiiiiide!, oil-is-my-blood, seeeeeat
belts, radiooooo kn-bs.” i don’t care if you laughed at
that or not, the next time you hear that sh-t, you’re
gonna be like, “hahahaha. that dane cook is a silly
b-tch!”

- dane cook lyrics

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