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dan’s diss track (roast yourself challenge) - dan howell lyrics

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[prologue (spoken)]
h-llo internet! my name is dan, and today, i am going to roast myself with a diss track
f-ck, i just hit myself in the fa-okay let’s- let’s do this

[intro]
a month without uploading he comes back with a tag (whoo)
that no one even tagged him in, he’s not a challenge to drag (ouch)
so prepare for an attack
and by that i mean cringe (cringe)
’cause this motherf-cker’s ’bout to get dragged by his fringe

[verse 1]
first things first
you’re freakishly tall
it’s weird, you look like a noodle (true)
you’ve got hair that was cool in two-thousand-and-seven
and wet you just look like a poodle (hobbit)

throw in a really annoying posh voice
and, yup, that’s dan (posh)
you’re what would happen if winnie the pooh f-cked slender man

you procrastinate making videos
’cause being judged is scary? (ooh)
you’re so close to being forgotten
the hate’s imaginary (woah)

the only reason you get views
is you’re another white guy
that people ship with his friend
’cause they think it’s “kawaii”

oh?

reasons why dan’s a fail!! (yay)
i’ll give you some:

[verse 2]
you never tweet
you overeat
all you do is cry and sleep
your jokes are sh-tposts and memes with no originality (uh huh)
your family’s sad you flopped your law degree at university
and anything embarr-ssing that’s from your past you just delete

you were vegan for like three weeks
then what, you missed the meat? (milk)
wow, i’m so impressed by your clear moral integrity
you try so hard to be peaceful and diplomatic
but can’t make toast without tumblr saying you’re problematic (boo)

i could go on
there’s more if i check
there’s more things on this list
than chins on your neck

on your birthday
you joked you were a quarter way to death?
a hundred? yeah
when getting out of bed makes you out of breath?

so your celebrity crush was j-law
but now it’s evan p? (mhmm)
what the f-ck even is your s-xuality?
it’s hard to put you in a box
when you keep it so blurry (what is it)
i think it’s just to hide that you’re secretly a furry

-cough- i’m-i’m joking… obviously…

[bridge]
okay, that went deep
repress it?
yup!
before i start crying
let’s wrap this sh-t up

[verse 3]
i’m gonna go and m-st-rb-t-
then cry into a slice of pizza (feelings)
shout out to the other youtubers, especially ryan higa
a cringe compilation
mixed with cultural appropriation
met with no depreciation
it’s the youtube nation

[outro]
click subscribe
if you wanna watch 4 videos a year (or 3)
to see my last one from ten years ago
just click over here (fail)
so leave a comment with your reaction
you can call me a liar
’cause you just witnessed the roast
of danisnotonfire

- dan howell lyrics

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