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someplace cheap - couch slut lyrics

down a dirt road in the middle of nowhere ohio
there’s hundreds of motorcycles parked out in a clearing
fire archery out in the woods
pigs roasting
a heavy metal band
inside there’s a bar and a guy named randy
who would play a cover of any song you told him
we drank for free all night and hung out with the three bikers we met earlier at the mcdonald’s parking lot
we had the time of our lives
they offered us a place to stay
they didn’t live far
coach and ron and the other guy whose name i can’t remember
ron was wearing a leather vest that’s sewn onto it the american flag
so his biker nickname was captain america
so we ride to this guy’s house
the youngest of the three
a fireman and recently divorced
i think it’s the coolest thing
riding through the night to this house
we get inside and he has a whole room
full of assault rifles all over the wall
he’s got all kinds of handguns and swords
they ask us if we smoke weed
and they roll up a blunt
we smoke
then we realize none of the three bikers are smoking
then it kind of hits us that we’ve been drugged
before i know it i’m in handcuffs
and they’re trying to take me into this bedroom
they say they just wanna film me in the handcuffs
because it was funny or whatever
my friends don’t let it happen
we’re freaked out because obviously we’ve been drugged
and we don’t know with what
coach, i think, went home
and the firefighter man went to sleep
and me and my friends slept on the couch together
we woke up in the morning
and one of our friends had disappeared
we couldn’t find him anywhere
there was a video camera sitting on the coffee table
we’re ready to fight
we woke up at 7:00 in the morning
and we have to get the f*ck out of here
we find our friend in the attic on a stained mattress
and he’s naked down to his underwear
he doesn’t know what happened
we don’t know what happened
we get back downstairs and d is like “look at this”
he plays back the camcorder that was sitting on the coffee table
and captain america was jerking off
he was filming himself jerking off on us
while we were asleep
saying the most foul, vile sh*t that you could possibly imagine
we’re whispering
‘cause captain america’s passed out on this little, like, chair in the living room
but chris is so angry he records himself saying like
“my name is __________
i work at the lenscrafters store number 664
lehigh valley mall
come to pennsylvania and f*cking find me, b*tch”

- couch slut lyrics

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