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christmas with concrete swan dive - concrete swan dive lyrics

introduction

[arthur whitehead, spoken]
hi kuba, are you alright?

[kuba williams, spoken]
yeah, it’s just, i keep seeing all this christmas stuff around and i keep wondering: why do we celebrate christmas?

[arthur, spoken]
well, buddy, think i might be able to help you understand

act one

[arthur, spoken]
act one!
we begin in nazareth, a city in a country
one evening, a young girl named mary saw a light descending from the sky
at first, she thought it was some sort of f*cked*up bird
but, as it came closer, she realised it was not a f*cked*up bird but, in fact, an angel

[angel, spoken]
h*llo mary!

[mary, spoken]
f*ckin’ ‘ell what it is this time?
[angel, spoken]
i come, with important news
from god
you’re pregnant

[mary, spoken]
what? how?

[angel, spoken]
god did it

[mary, spoken]
oh, okay

act two

[arthur]
act two!
and so, the angels began a sweet chorus to celebrate the divine pregnancy
mary eagerly told all her friends and family that she was pregnant with the son of god, much to the confusion of her fiancé, joseph

[ocean man (as joseph), rapped]
mary magdalene, i thought you understood the demons i’ve been battlin’
i gave my life for this marriage and now it’s shatterin’
you threw it all away for one night with another man, now tell me this ain’t happenin’
spit some lies about a virgin birth, that’s just embarassing
i hope you know just how much it hurts to see you chattin’
’bout immaculate conception, do your research
it’s kind of staggering that you claim something like that could occur
it’s literally impossible!
look, i’m feelin’ messed up and let down
look, i’m gonna be the last [one stopping?] this town
another man slept with my life, i just look like a clown
i’m gonna find that man, give him a bethlehem beat*down
i’ve never been one to give sympathy to cheaters
get the gang from nazareth to tear him into pieces
put the fear of god into his eyes when he sees us
’cause when i catch that man he’s getting crucified like…
like… crucified like… i don’t know actually…
i’m not sure where i was going with that
[ocean man (as joseph), spoken]
oh my god!
it’s an angel!

[angel, spoken]
hey joseph, just so you know, all that stuff with your wife
it’s just god, don’t worry about it

[ocean man (as joseph), spoken]
wait… on god?

[angel, spoken]
no cap

[ocean man (as joseph), spoken]
yo, that’s sick!
yo, that’s sick!
(rapped)
yo mary! it’s crazy what this angel’s just been tellin’ me
mary, i’m sorry ’bout the things that i did not believe
mary, the virgin birth is real, i was so naïve and self*centred
to think that you would ever go and cheat on me
i know i’m not the father but i’ll raise him like my own
conceived from holy spirit, he’s got god in his bones
you know that child is divine, nazareth, let it be known
that god slept with my wife, and proud of it, let’s go!
act three

[arthur, spoken]
act three!
and so mary and joseph set off to bethlehem, which we forgot to mention, but one of the angels told them they needed to go there
yeah, um…
even aided by their trusty donkey, they could not carry much through the harsh deserts

[arthur (as joseph), spoken]
chuffin’ ‘eck it’s warm out here!

[mary, spoken]
‘ow long is it until we get there?

[arthur (as joseph), spoken]
there’s simply no way of telling
i do not know how fast this donkey is

act four

[arthur, spoken]
act four!
meanwhile, some shepherds were tending to their sheep
as per bl**dy usual

[shepherds, spoken]
[incomprehensible]

[shepherd, spoken]
ey up! what’s this?

[arthur, spoken]
it was that evening that they saw something descending from the sky
at first they thought it was some sort of f*cked*up bird
but as it descended and came closer, they realised that it was not a f*cked*up bird but, in fact, an angel

[angel, spoken]
h*llo, sheep*men!
a new son of god is to be born in bethlehem, if you’re interested

[shepherds, spoken]
i mean, i guess (yeah, alright, sure)
i’ve got nothing on, sure

act five

[arthur, spoken]
act five!
mary and joseph had finally reached bethlehem and were searching for shelter
they looked all around until, eventually, they found a lonesome inn

[ocean man (as joseph), spoken]
h*llo, innkeeper, is there any room at the inn?

[innkeeper, spoken]
no

[ocean man (as joseph), shouted]
f*ck!

act seven

[arthur, spoken]
act seven!
elsewhere, the shepherds were not the only people heading towards bethlehem
for three other individuals had seen the star fabled to announce the arrival of a new king

[balthasar, spoken]
i am balthasar!

[melchior, spoken]
i am melchior!

[caspar, spoken]
and i am caspar

[balthasar, melchior & caspar, spoken]
and we are the three wise men!

[balthasar, spoken]
why is his name caspar, anyway? like it just s* i feel like it just sounds a bit sh*t compared to, like, melchior and all that

[melchior, spoken]
he’s not even that f*ckin’ wise
i don’t know who let him into this group
he’s just f*ckin’ sh*t

[caspar, spoken]
have… have either of you noticed, as we approach jerusalem and leave behind our beautiful, tall towers that reach into the sky with beautiful spires, that the buildings get smaller, more impoverished, and, you know, i just feel so sorry for these people that… the squalor that they suffer through, and, you know, i’m just… i *sighs*

[arthur, spoken]
the three wise men approached the palace of king herod, who they thought would know the location of the new king

[guitar solo]

[balthasar, spoken]
my king, i come to you with a most important question

[herod, spoken]
go on

[balthasar, spoken]
where will we see the birth of our new king?

[herod, spoken]
new king? *sighs* f*ck’s sake, i’m gonna have to k!ll all the newborn babies now

[balthasar, spoken]
wai*wait, what was that?

[herod, spoken]
ah*ah nothing, balthasar, i’ll see you later

act eight

[arthur, spoken]
act eight!
round the back of the inn, mary and joseph had found a barn to hide out in until morning
however, things escalated when mary’s water began to break

[mary, shouted]
*screaming*
ooh, oh god, oh no!
*screaming*
ooh no, oh god, oh f*ck!
*screaming*
oh my f*cking god!

*pop*

[jesus, spoken]
i’m baby jesus!

act nine

[arthur, spoken]
act nine!
and so, the baby jesus was born, and visitors began to arrive at the barn to greet him
first was the shepherds

[shepherds]
[incomprehensible]

[arthur, spoken]
next came the three wise men

[balthasar, spoken]
ey up jesus, you alright?
i brought you some, err, frankincense for you
hope you enjoy it, cheers mate!

[melchior, spoken]
y’alright? i’ve got some myrrh ‘ere for you, lad
i hope you like that

[caspar, spoken]
i just got, like, this lump of gold

[balthasar, spoken]
oh for f*ck’s sake, caspar

[arthur, spoken]
and what’s this?
the little drummer boy appeared

[drummer boy, spoken]
howay man! i’ve come to play little lord jesus a song on me drum!

[arthur, spoken]
the people in the barn were not very impressed by the little drummer boy’s offer, but luckily he had a special trick up his sleeve

[drummer boy, spoken]
i’ll use me 808s!

[producer tag]
now try this!

[instrumental]

[producer tag]
now try this!

[shepherds, spoken]
oh wow, this little lad’s kind of bringing a good vibe here (you’re the best dj i ever saw [?] on the farm)
i don’t get this sh*t on the farm [?] shepherd*ass (it was actually one of the sheep, it was a sheep)
(he, he got some decks [?] i went to school with, he’s actually really talented, wonder what he’s up to these days)
[?] little drummer boy
(he’s a good lad, he’s got a kid now, no wife though)

outro

[arthur, spoken]
and that’s the true meaning of christmas

[kuba, spoken]
thank you, arthur, i feel like i’ve got a much better understanding of christmas now

[arthur, spoken]
no worries, kuba

[arthur & kuba, spoken]
merry christmas from concrete swan dive

[unspecified character, spoken]
mer*ry christmas!

- concrete swan dive lyrics

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