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hell's greatest dad - colm r. mcguinness lyrics

[verse 1]
looks like you could use some help
from the big boss*man himself
check out daddy’s glowing reviews on yelp
five stars! flawless! greater than great!
oh, with the punch of his right hand
i wap*bam*boom, alakazam
usually, i charge a sacrificial lamb
but you get the family rate

[chorus]
who needs a busboy now that you’ve got the chef?
michelin*tasting menu, free à la carte
i’ll rig the game for you because i’m the ref
champagne fountains, caviar mountains, that’s just to start!

[verse 2]
who has been here since day one?
who’s been faithful as a nun?
who makes you chuckle with an old*timey pun?
your executive producer
i’m your guy, your day*to*day
your chum, your steadfast hotelier
remember when i fixed that clog today?
(this accent is really difficult)
[chorus]
i’m truly honored that we’ve built such a bond
you’re like the child that i wish that i had
i care for you, just like the daughter i sp*wned
it’s a little funny, you could almost call me dad

[instrumental break]

[outro]
they say when you’re looking for assistance
it’s smart to choose the path of least resistance
others say that in your needy hour
there’s no substitute for pure angelic power!
who just happens to also be your blood!
sadly, there are times a birth parent is a dud
they say the family you choose is better
what a bunch of losers
can you b*tt out of my song?
your song? i started this!
i’m singing it, i’ll finish it!

- colm r mcguinness lyrics

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