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talking to walls - clayton jennings lyrics

three albums into this thing, and i’m running out of words to say
two decades of following jesus, and i’m running out of words to pray
sometimes i feel like i’m caught in a whirlwind of past mistakes
i don’t look back because it’s my past i hate
but you can’t travel backwards to yesterday
and the more i tried to, the less i’d pray
i guess it’s hard to talk to god when you’re ashamed
so here we are 2 million followers later
and i’m with this same pen and this pad of paper
just trying to share something that will inspire the masses
but how to manage this popularity wasn’t taught in my classes
most of the time i feel like i’m in over my head
as a kid, there was a picture of james dean hung over my bed
he was a rebel, and i’m just a lost cause
i sit alone in my room ignoring texts and blocked calls
i keep my head low as i pass people in halls
i never expected to be somebody when i was a kid
i never expected to need somebody to know how to live
i’ve always been the type to do things myself, but lately i’ve been picking up that bible a lot more off my shelf
and this schedule i keep is affecting my health
irregular heartbeat and anxiety that just won’t quit
sometimes, i just want to walk away from all of this
i never asked for this, i was just called to it
but i can’t seem to get god to pick up on speed dial, seems like he’s been ignoring my calls for a while
and maybe i deserve it because i didn’t always pick up for him
i can’t go to church anymore because people ask for pics in every service i’m in
they think i’m spiritual, but inside i’m just nervous and tense
i can’t get used to this popularity
now more than ever this pedestal is scary
an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other just daring me
to yank the skeletons out of my closet and put them on display
i feel like i’m talking to the wall whenever i pray
if they knew who i was they wouldn’t ask me for pics
thirty years old, still looking to the world for that fix
but if jesus is enough i shouldn’t feel like this
still hurting from the past i can’t heal like this
this poem isn’t for you, this poem is for me
someday i hope to be left alone someday when i’m free
and i hope someday all this will have been worth it
imagine being eighty only to look back on your past and curse it
let me write this clearly i don’t need to write it in cursive
to tell you that even though you think highly of me i think that i’m worthless
and nothing you do or say is gonna change that
there’s a beast inside of me and i can’t tame that
and that monster keeps reminding me of everything about me i hate
maybe god’s grace found me just a little too late
because i wasted a lot of years breaking a lot of hearts
i turn off the replay of those days every time that it starts
this is me now and this is what it feels like to be empty
there isn’t a day that goes by that the devil doesn’t tempt me
i just have to remind myself of the god who sent me
when i keep my eyes on him, i can breathe again
2 million fans, but still in need of a friend
welcome, to the world i’m in

- clayton jennings lyrics

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