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mental illness - clayton jennings lyrics

can somebody take me back to when life was simple?
when i was little and my biggest fear was a pimple
i’m a kitten disguised as a pitbull
because now i lie awake, i shake and i tremble
my thoughts are scary, i swear that i’m mental
crying alone, a pistol to my temple
one squeeze to silence the noise
take me back to basketball and army men for toys
grew up to be ken married to barbie and it annoys
because people look at my life and my wife and think that it’s perfect
i contemplate suicide and wonder if it’s worth it
you think i should be worshipped, i think that i’m worthless
you hear my lyrics and wonder how i word it
became a fan the first time that you heard it
i’m therapy for you, to myself i’m a burden
if there’s one thing i know for certain, freedom comes from pulling back the curtain
i’m bipolar, depressed, adulterer who daydreams about time machines
because i’d punch in 2003 and i’d just leave
and i’d go back to when i was a kid on beachwood drive
playing with my brother and sister outside
the only time in my life that i felt alive
i didn’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders
my thoughts become dark every day i get older
i love you jamie, was 15 the first time that i told her
worried i’d leave her so i’d lay there and hold her
don’t worry jamie, life will be great
took her one town over on our first date
wish i could go back but it’s too late
the devil dangled l*st in my face and i ate that bait
a different girl on my chest every time that i’d wake
the shame made me shake, the pain made me ache
never thought as a kid it was her heart that i’d break
shame from my past, it’s too hard for me to take
our second home was a cottage on a lake
she was an angel, and i was a fake
so many times i wanted to tie a cinder block around my waist and jump into those waves
i wore a mask with a smile to hide my face
the neighbors would say hi and i’d just wave
n0body knows how badly i craved the grave
gave jamie the world but i could never give her me
i was too lost in my depression getting sunk in the seas
and eventually, i broke down from the guilt
so i’d escape for a break with another popped pill
the man in the mirror i wanted to k!ll
and i still do
but she was with me in the good times and pulled me out of the gloom
she’d find me curled up in a panic alone in our room
i didn’t know what was wrong with me at the time
you all look at my blue eyes but ignore my blue mind
that pistol to my temple, oh i almost blew mine
but instead i blew time, and i can’t get that back
but i’m fighting to get better
jamie said she’d help me if i’d let her
i did, and then we found out that i’m bipolar
and when i was diagnosed i cried on her shoulder
i knew i was different but i didn’t know why
one day i’d be inspiring the masses, the next day i’d wanna die
i’d stand on stages and god would speak through me
so many changed lives because of how he used me
but people used me, too
and then spread rumors about me that were far from the truth
and the only thing that saved me was jesus and jamie
a devil on the shoulder and a demon on the other
but i got god inside of me and he’s got me covered
i’m really a sheep in wolves’ clothing, misunderstood as i suffer
don’t know which clayton i’ll get when i wake up and pull back the covers
but i find my peace in red letters and spread it to others
i’m just thankful i have all of you as my sisters and brothers
i’m gonna survive this, and so are you
just don’t follow me, follow god to get through
i know that so many of you are struggling, too
so please don’t give up on me
because i never gave up on you

- clayton jennings lyrics

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