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the bear, the tiger, the hamster and the mole - christiane noll lyrics

[woman 2]
stop!
all right, that’s it!
that’s the one that does it
i’ve had it with that song and dance
a man must this and a woman must that
’til relationships don’t stand a chance
i’m sorry to shout
but i’m up to here
with all that cr*p about man and wife
for i—thank god—am a scientist
and i know the real facts of life

like a soul possessed
i have studied and assessed
the creatures of this earth
and from moose to eel
what my studies most reveal
is the male’s inflated worth
for in most of the animal kingdom
the ladies only seldom need men
their dealings are straight
they meet them to matе
and never see them again

thе bear, the tiger, the hamster and the mole
have females who live fruitful lives outside of male control
for one mindless spasm they allow the male his role
that’s marriage for the tiger, bear and hamster
now the mole, who’s blind
will never be confined
to one male she’s merely felt
once his seed is sown
she has her babes alone
in the hole where the male mole dwelt
and as for the boa constrictor
she needs no more than one male response
for when it appears
she stores it for years
to use whenever she wants

the ray, the rhino, the penguin and the tern
those females know that motherhood is not a male concern
of course they’re not human, but they show what we can learn
they point the way, the rhino, ray and penguin

in a field or brook
almost anywhere you look
are mothers on their own
in the deep, on high
mothers kiss their mates goodbye
and raise their young alone
now i make no brief for the mantis
who decapitates her mate during s*x
but i do like the auk
who mates with a squawk
and then throw rocks at her ex (ha!)
the b*tch, ooh, the vixen, the queen bee and the shrew
what men have done to those fine words we never can undo
they’re strong working mothers, yes, they’re just like me and you
let’s redefine the shrew, the b*tch and vixen

and be like the seagull
roam free as the lynx
and cruise like the caribous if we choose
and not have to wait for those sly little winks
from some man who envies the s*x life of minks
and not have to guess if he’s one of the finks
or whether he drinks
or whether he stinks
or what he thinks
of me

well, of course if fate
should put upon my plate
that quintessential male
i would stick like glue
yes, i would be as true
as any beaver, owl or whale
but ’til then i’ll envy the oyster
who lives a happy life on the shelf
when she wants a term
she releases some sperm
and fertilizes herself
the hare, the condor, the guppy and the bream
they’re all out there doing what humans only dream
come march toward the future on my scientific team
for now that you’ve seen and can compare
why anyone with the will to dare
can follow the tiger and the bear
and hamster
and mole
and me!

- christiane noll lyrics

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