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∞ (the art of seeing) - byron henderson lyrics

[part i]

[verse 1]
quarantined majority of my life, self inflicted harm
masked up before 2020, this has been the norm
identity crisis all around me, i was in a storm
saw a few of y’all right beside me, probably envisioned more
cool with two of my aunts, but never knew relatives that i did trust
only trust this blade to not hit a vein cutting my wrists up
i’m seven now, already traumatized but kept my lips shut
hard to trust a soul with y’all ulterior motives, so it gets tough
i’m disconnected, but i’m still observant
i know fear well
my stomach turning, murder at my school, arguments swell
saw abuse, heard every dispute, kept my head down
saw my classmates turn into ghosts, too many dead now
empty seats leave a void inside me, don’t how to fill it
don’t know how to feel, don’t want to disappoint but i need healing
no interest in girls, just survival
so i started venting
wore my scars freely, no one noticed
i forgot to mention daddy issues
no wonder why i never caught them
not a man alive could tell me not to cry while self*harming
fathers misconstrue weakness with emotions, people tweaking
hide behind blunts and bottles while their kids spend life seeking
i saw them every day displaying what the streets taught them
more than anything, i’m anxious
i can feel i’m getting lost, society chaotic
and insomnia just crept upon me, so i toss and turn
it’s ’05 now, late august
[verse 2]
peer pressure’s common in my life
played ball to keep myself alive, not because i liked it
i’m reclusive, i don’t speak my mind
i’d rather not be judged
don’t take me serious, i’m just a child
you feel i owe you something
unprepared for race to ever matter
so the day it does, you know my world will shatter
started running track, ain’t want my demons to become a hassle
s*xual assault became prevalent, i was growing sadder
right and wrong blurred when retaliation becomes a factor
first time it happened to me, i was in fifth grade
dealt with racism every day, never felt this caged
a girl much lighter than me claimed that she couldn’t help it
disappointed, she had to learn i was more than helpless
left her with no feeling in the fingers she’d pleasure herself with
and if big bro took exception, this rage, he was gon catch it
told myself before i’m ever a victim, i’ll be breathless
trauma, too many women i grew up with had to accept it
ironic, with every passing day, life becomes more hectic
yet to meet someone that comforts me the way the thought of death did
s*xuality questioned plenty times, “are you g*y?”
nah, but as a result, far as relationships, i walk the thinnest line
cause way more than my love died, mind far from sober
folks i would grow with stayed above high
fritos on their shoulders, world owes them in their corrupt eyes
their modus operandi
depression on the uprise, and still my tear ducts dry
no longer in control
every day, you’re getting less of me
i often wonder if *beep* really put a hex on me
two different doctors, two different conclusions
one said possession, the other simply asked if i’m using
i just carry guilt
knew what waited for me outside, so i stayed in the house
but people had their innocence taken while i was in the house
feel i’m the only one that understood and actually believed them
when control is stolen, you’ll do anything to retrieve it
masculinity was like poison, many infected
desperate to be a man, but their actions reek of estrogen
ain’t want to have regrets, yet a part of me fell
can’t help but feel part of me failed
still stayed impartial as well, hardly ten
manipulated like harley quinn after all we’ve been through
saw you play both sides like harvey dent, who do i vent to?
adults the same color as me, y’all just stood by
guess i ain’t the only one falling for something
hook, line, and sinker
trust broken, no experience with unity
lost focus, though i know n0body promised me immunity
was sensitive, good intentions with this list of goals
s*xuality questioned plenty times, “are you g*y?”
no, but if i was, would you love me less?
does it break code?
would i be treated different?
be the subject of their made jokes?
see i’m twelve now
two years ago, i officially shut down
lost connection cause i lack protection, emotion cut out
i changed, dawg
was framed for many things i never did
i took the blame, ain’t have the voice to speak cause i was chained within
byron mia, still n0body noticed
it ain’t p*b*rty, it’s something darker
failed seventh grade, shrugged my shoulders
i was more concerned with the rope i found, hid it in my closet
love myself, but the world is cursed by human nature, got it
seventh grade, here we go again
gave myself about a month or two before i met my end
[verse 3]
that’s when i met my first friend
“boy, man up, cry them tears if you need to
pay no mind to what people may say
i’ll be there the same way you’re always here when i need you”
words i never heard til now
eyes empty
expression blank so long, it physically hurt to smile
that’s a burden lifted
said i had a gift, helped me flourish with it
my reflection is a silhouette, guess my soul has drifted
show me how to filter my thoughts, pardon my hesitance
don’t recognize myself, so it’s hard for me to care again
but should we be ashamed, dawg?
the therapy ain’t help because trauma’s something we can’t pause
see this meisler hoodie, they’ll never know what these stains are
told so many lies, could i ever be free again
why try when i know my aim’s off?
the past taught us hatred
pillage, k!ll and rape
kidnap your innocence, strip you naked, yeah, yeah
chains so hard to break, they leave you feeling vacant
literally saw matt buy a new one just to overcompensate with, mhm
unprepared for love to ever matter
so the day it does, you know my world will shatter
met my second friend in my cousin, i rose above the chatter
s*xual assault still prevalent, more blood will splatter
right is clear when my first friend is there to resolve it faster
second time it happened to me, i was in eighth grade
my depression dealing with me, and i won’t save face
a girl slightly darker than me for whatever reason ain’t accept no
it’s like i’m ten again when i display rage
but my friend on the same page, acted before i could
i’m flooded with disbelief
i don’t believe she understood why
in my defense, someone defending me ain’t familiar
it brought me back to every black adult that ever stood by
i never thought i’d feel like an npc in my own life
make no misconception, i know people have their own fights
but why did i feel wrong when defending myself
not enough to regret, yet i can’t comprehend what i felt
how many times did you turn away when we locked eyes
i see a mirror, you see a void
i’m seeing the way you see me, and it’s leaving me destroyed
can’t change folk
the clearer my vision gets only makes it more painful
i’m staring at my skin for pieces of me that ain’t broke
my head held high, but it always hurt when they aimed low
considered bottling every emotion i can’t show
my only trait was anger, pray you ain’t who i aimed for
pride guided people recklessly
knuckles swell as they collide with bones
i’d commit deicide to protect the friend protecting me
that’s when i was told that a person is not a home
so i second guessed
and as a result, my regression bested me
doubled back, needed reassurance drastically
this came from someone that was a walking catastrophe
my self esteem next door to satan
marina stood face to face and said, “i’ve got you with anything that you ask of me”
seven grade being a breeze felt like blasphemy
wrists seem to be healing up, don’t send me crashing, please
i made progress
speaking of my second friend
she ain’t even five yet, but i treat her like my kid
my love is unconditional
i know my demons watch and every time i feel sickens them
but i can see the plot
i’ll never second guess again
fingers crossed marina spots these changes
less anger means less emotion to block blessings
my biggest threat as a child went from a bullet to people with fair skin
needed ways to convey my message
my cousin’s two, so in reality, i’m alone here
glancing back and forth at this rope, trying to defy pressure
realizing as a teen, my biggest threat is myself
my only fear’s an early death, but i can’t live without help
every time i gain, it seems i lose another part of me
and i’m unstable, so it’s hard for me
[verse 4]
unprepared for unity to matter
so the day it does, i’m sure my world will shatter
but it didn’t, my head was up, i was loved and that was good enough
met my third friend freshman year
january 9th, 2012, i’m refreshing fears
then poof, she disappeared
two years later, we reconnect
and getting back to her is the only thing that kept me here
let’s be clear, aaliyah moved to the city
let’s be clear, marina got lost like many
that’s more distance
but i love her too much to judge her path being far different
dawg, there ain’t too many like her
she was there when matt died
my sweater dark green from her tears
we hadn’t spoken in months, but we didn’t act like it
sometimes you have to drift apart to grow closer
reoccurring theme with all three friends
i hold closure in my hands with a delicate grasp
i missed out on plenty things and people due to my actions
even their reactions
so to alexis, i’m sorry we never grew close
the thought of competition created distance for two folks
don’t mean i love you less if our personalities clashed
last but not least, i’m sorry to mom and dad
i sheltered myself at a young age, aimed to avoid gunplay
know when you lost your son, you hoped it would change one day
we all made mistakes, but i don’t have regrets though
i know i wouldn’t be here today if i had learned to let go
a lot of things were out of my control
i suppose if i could change, i would probe and force negativity out my soul
kelsey’s teaching me what love really is
both flawed, but to give each other our all is why we live
couple close calls
she tags in when my back’s against the ropes
speaking of rope, my ticket out the door is long gone y’all
i’ve never been this open with one person
only thing i’m certain of is everything is uncertain
2014, i’m a senior in high school
to my surprise, i come across marina
but the woman in front of me ain’t who knew
the smile that could light up a room now leaving it dimly lit
so i’m thinking of everything else she outgrew
i feel like a failure cause to me, that’s still my best friend
there’d be no flying baby or the mighty had i left before we met
so her depression has me stuck in deep reflection
is it best if i just let it be?
or do i intervene?
would that be overstepping boundaries to let her know she’s seen?
winter break is coming, opportunities don’t grow on trees
we had a conversation where both of us knew that only one would make it
deep hatred, cause my triumphant return cost more than i was prepared to lose
you had my word if you spared marina, i’d bear the noose
instead, you took her and chose claven to bear the news
now my soul is barren, how dare i liken despair to bruins
fire beneath us, as i wrestle with the reaper
most precious memories locked deep in my trapper keeper
kelsey had to see the crash, and drag me from the wreckage
i could never pay her back, and if i could, she would reject it, dawg
a year later, i shed tears for three deaths
two already occurred and one you haven’t seen yet
cause the winter spanned summers, and came before the fall
the fall took me to the summit, i remained because of y’all
hah hah

[outro]
when i come to the end of the road
and the sun has set for me
i want no rites in a gloom filled room
why cry for a soul set free?

miss me a little, but not for long
and not with your head bowed low
remember the love that we once shared
miss me, but let me go

for this is a journey we all must take
and each must go alone
it’s all part of the master plan
a step on the road to home

when you are lonely and sick at heart
go to the friends we know
laugh at all the things we used to do
miss me, but let me go

[part ii]

[verse: byron henderson & marina esmeralda]
for twelve years, i was held prisoner, waiting
the problem is no one told me, rock bottom, it had a bas*m*nt
it’s wild when i have think of every time he tried escaping this rock
he was always given a rock to keep me from sinking
ironic as my life
neighbors reeking of vodka, apocalypse in his eyesight
when his hi’s equal goodbyes and his lows are my highlights
plenty gone too soon for real
many mornings many mourned
was i wrong to assume we’d build
wander the road less traveled, searching for home
vision clear, i can see the elephant in the room
wounds dealt to his spirit healed
they manipulated emotions to trigger your downfall
then used your traumatic triggers as shields for the downpour
what used to be embers of your past dried from tears of god, dawg
think of your previous actions, i ask what they count for
wish i was around more to avoid the proceeds
truthfully dawg, i don’t even wish them misery or hope them folks bleed
three f’s to memorize
some point in life, i’m sure you gon’ need them
know fight and flight are common
but don’t forget the third, which is freezing
you knew them well
but the well is empty, no wishes made
twelve years carving this path
by hand, every brick was laid
to no avail, i’m afraid
but no more searching
no more searching the earth for people with good intentions to help you learn what your worth is
marina died three years before me
and though we never truly said goodbye
this canada dry, i’m pouring out to show respect a couple of you suckers notably forgoing
cause when boats start to sink, why pray if you can keep rowing (stand up)
kels, my fear of death stopped the day i met you
guess you love hard enough, you stop letting your fears best you
most beautiful woman to ever exist award goes to you
always in all ways
learned every single flaw of mine, thick and thin
even though all your heartache
you’re the sunlight through the window which i stand in, warmed
the younger me would’ve panicked
knowing i was damaged, torn
the same goes for al
changes come and that’s fine
what makes you feel like you works for me
know you felt that line
my love will never waiver even after the day i flatline for good
survived the flood, i just pray you never get that tired
don’t feel much, but it’s still us verse whoever
would give it all for you to get your happy ending
four years sober, four years past pretending nothing lasts forever
if the past was different, you would be alone
my purpose is to help you find you
and if being lost was k!lling you, i swear i would revive you
cause i can see you running from everything that’s behind you
so many emotions you’re burying deep inside you
feel like doing right never changes things when you try to
the best part of my life was being your friend
but i’m sure the day is coming where you won’t see me again
so my only remaining goal is you and kelsey’s happy end in peace
even on the chance it meant the end of me
ily

[refrain: byron henderson]
for being you and everything you made me
cause though i’m mostly numb, i’d rather that than being angry
before i’d overcome, you showed me all that i could be
kels, you say i saved you, but sunshine saved me
now i see
y’all are home
and i’d do it all for you so you can have your happy ending
speaking of my second friend, he ain’t even twelve yet
still trying to find itself, lord knows i felt that
don’t have to love the journey, al
just love yourself through it
kels, i love you past forever
know when demons yell, “lose it!”
love is still unconditional
so if it meant the end of me, i’d do it all for you so you can have your happy ending, peace
thank you

[outro: byron henderson & marina esmeralda]
the past never passes, we just pass time
(thank god i died for my sake, for your sake)
when our shadows fall, they come back round
(my trauma died when i did, i’m okay)
yeah

wake up

- byron henderson lyrics

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