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on the app - buchan & barne lyrics

[dougal & robin (both)]
jake
no, he’s fake
shame
vincent
boring
duncan
same
rick the d*ck machine
what’s wrong with rick the d*ck machine?
i don’t think rick the d*ck machine is actually his name

cedric
no
rohit
no
cho cho
no
aw, cedric
again?

chuck
no
drake
no
chet
no
brad
no
rod
no
joe
no
look at these magnificently underwhelming men
you have no idea
he shaves his chest
he loves his booze
his beard
his shoes
his vibe
his views
he lives in queens
he rips his jeans
that’s way too many neck tattoos
he says he’s my soulmate
i’m thinking… he isn’t?

he’s dressed like a wizard
he’s holding a lizard
and not to be judgemental but he’s currently in prison

attention seeking narcists who seem to think they’re g*niuses
and though you never ask, insist on showing you their p*n*ses
insatiable lotharios
f*ll*tial scenarios
and overbearing, oversharing, eerie weary casanovas

please jesus on high
don’t let her die alone
there must be a decent, available guy somewhere inside this phone
what about cody?
cody?
cody could be fun
he’s terrible at spelling and he seems to have a gun
he’s scorpio
scorpio is dangerous
so what? he’s fascinating
absolutely not

what about zachary?
zachary?
zachery’s ok
zachary is married with a baby on the way
how did you…
he’s lying and his name is really joe
yeah, but how did you…
don’t ask me how i know

help god if you can (help this poor girl)
no need to be so mean (no need to be so mean)
there must be a vaguely acceptable man, trapped in this tiny machine (oh, tiny machine)

what about rudy?
careful, rudy is a shock
well, you must admit that rudy has a photogenic…
stop
admittedly it’s…
no
you can really see the…
hey
it’s beautiful
just take that thing away
what about justin?
justin, sweet justin, he loves his dog
he’s gorgeous, he swiped me too
ugh, who am i kidding? he’s out of my league
don’t say that
sure he’s big and handsome, but so are you
although, you did message him at 3am to ask if his dog is single
i know, stupid drunk robin

please jesus on high (trust me, it’s fine)
just give me back my phone (everything’s under control)
there must be a halfly acceptable man (there must a slightly less horrible man)
there must be a clean and convenient man (he must be here somewhere)
there must be a decent available guy
somewhere in new york

- buchan barne lyrics

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