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how it began - big thoughts lyrics

verse 1

opened my eyes said to myself why?
breakfast cry sad look
brushed t**th i’ll leave
no, don’t let me go
can’t say if the way
back is gone long
silence hence
the reply i
see you hurting bad missing that
willpower final hour
creeps closer discussion over
call doctor
waiting room soon
have to share tear
agony misery
what’s wrong? where i belong!
always pain f*cking maze
rain
i cry live a lie
darkness overtakes less ways
to run ain’t fun
heavy i see
what i’ll do refer you
to a shrink stay of the brink
bridge into verse two dialog

jordi: uh, h*llo?
intake person: hi jordi joyce here
jordi: hi
intake person: the first thing we’re going to do, is have a intake over the phone
jordi: ok
intake person: so take a deep breath and once you’re ready, can you tell me everything that goes on in your life right now and what you need help with?
jordi: yeah, i’m nervous bit i’ll try

verse 2

i’m 25 i’ve
recently heavily
fought brought
me to tears here
both parents (parints) guardians
keep me small all
because i little guy
never grew mind blew
when i noticed this
entire time i’m
living wrong sing their song
anxious plus
mad sad
don’t leave home outside on my own?
don’t dare people stare
aware
hate calling to? stumbling through
conversation frustration
socially need more mentally burning door
that’s all for today ok
in two weeks colleague
is available suitable?
yeah have a nice day surprise start of the way
bridge into verse three dialog

after that conversation with that lady on the phone, i was going to have my first face*to*face session. and i was super nervous. but you know, something changed me during that first session. but.. the worst was still to come. this is what happened

verse 3

my first session felt tension
fades as soon i sit in room
told her everything refreshing
never interrupted bucket
empty relieved i leave
then get to hear therapy stops here
guardianship see knew it
risk to high my
parents could sue if they do
problem then
solution came no name
therapist saved me jordi
if they agree we treat
you we continue
got in what’s bugging
me till this day she went all the way
all i say was lucky she
saw my pain healthy brain
first disabled case on the table
normal therapy finally
grow get grid of that ugly monster i hid
outro dialog:

that… is in a nutsh*ll how my road to therapy began. it was a very bumpy ride. and i’m thankful that i am in treatment right now. i’ve got the people to thank that steered me in the direction of getting professional help. and.. i also got my therapist to thank to take the extra step into wanting to take my case on. cause i’m the first disabled patient that they have. because it’s not normal. normally somebody in my situation would simply go to a therapist that is uh.. specialized for disabled people. and i didn’t want that. i just wanted a normal therapist so that i could prove to everybody that i can handle myself. that is how it began…

- big thoughts lyrics

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