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my patronly advice - bard college of citrus lyrics

so you’re looking for a little extra pep in your step?
i think you’re knocking on the proper door
the fact you even could have called me shows the power that you’ve prepped
now just imagine if you had a little more!
you’re not the first soul to come knocking on my front stoop
you see, for ages i’ve been paged by every kind
from sages seeking answers down to serfs who want to fly the coop
whatever flavor of their hunt, i never mind

so come aboard, strike up the band!
the pillars of the world are rising, and it’s time to take a stand!
a patron worth their weight in gold is offering a hand to hold
there’s not too much on your end i’ll demand!
so just sign here, that will suffice!
i’ve seen your penmanship, i think it’s rather nice!
to be a warlock up to par, you’ll need to grow from what you are…
but that is just my patronly advice!

oh every corner of the cosmos is a conundrum at best
at worst, they’re terrors not to be endured
for there are lords with far fewer morals than i, i can attest
against their threat, it never hurts to be insured!
you can never get that far without some friends by your side
yes i can spruce up every step with all my magic
for if you delve into the secrets of the world without a guide
the results, well, they could end up quite tragic!
so come along, take a chance!
lace up your boots and come join in this dizzying dance!
receive my gift of invocations to fulfill your new vocation
with our pact, you’ll pull forward! advance!
now don’t be shy, and don’t think twice!
give your sk!ll set a skosh more spice!
oh life can trip you upside down, just my cantrips will grant renown!
but that is just my patronly advice!

now we don’t have to go all over every term within this deal
for with the wonders that we’ll weave, no other word except a steal!
but just for starters, there’s some errands that you’ll have to go and run
a little fetching from this list of mine, we’ll cross it one by one
they say you can’t get stuff for nothing, and to my end, this is true
i’ve seen the suffering and trauma that has scr*ped and molded you!
they said you’re worthless, but you’re not! oh all you needed was the right friend
join my crew, and through and through we’ll see those fools’ end!

you’re burning time! now make some haste!
this is an offer you should horde and surely can’t afford to waste!
with my wind gusting in your sails, oh you’ll be tipping all the scales
down in your favor, so take your first taste!
let’s make a deal! now name your vice!
take my assistance, friend, and i will be concise:
all those pathetic other patrons, d*mn, they’re far too overpriced
with what you need to overcome, you can’t afford to roll the dice
our partnership could be a multiclass of powered paradise!
…but that is just my patronly advice!

- bard college of citrus lyrics

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