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a sensible response to global warming - andrew frank lyrics

the greatest challenge, without a doubt, that our generation will have to confront in the coming decades is the effects of global warming on our planet. as the informed reader is already aware, global warming will cause the sea to rise anywhere from 7-23 inches, which would be catastrophic for the world’s low-lying coastal cities. additionally, global warming will result in especially violent weather. one can expect to see more powerful storms, hurricanes, typhoons and tornadoes. weather patterns will be disrupted, resulting in torrential rainfall in some areas and persistent droughts in others. famine and disease will proliferate. millions of species will be eradicated, our biodiversity will be destroyed, fresh water will become scarce and the surging seas will overcome many small island nations, some of which only have 20 years left before the oceans flood them entirely

after studying the leading proposals by some of the world’s most expert scientists in this field, i have come to the conclusion that there is but one course of action that the world can take to avoid certain disaster. using only the latest scientific advancements in metallurgy and aquatic engineering, we must create a grand boat in which we can carry a dyad of every human ethnicity who can then subsequently be used to repopulate those areas of dry land after the world is flooded in a h-llish apocalypse in the coming years due to the excess pollution of the atmosphere

i have determined that on average, a human needs approximately a 2×2 foot square to stand fairly comfortably. given that there are approximately 5,000 ethnic groups (and it would be desirable to represent all of them on such a boat) it is my estimation that a barge that could carry a pair of every single ethnic group would need to have five levels with 40×200 foot dimensions. given that the longest ship in the world is the mont oil tanker at just over 1,500 feet, making a barge of the dimensions listed above should be well within our limits. there should also be two other levels of the same dimensions for sleeping quarters

after consulting with some of the leading nutritionists, i have also determined that to be in good health, a person needs to consume about 2.3 pounds of food per day. after running dozens of computer simulations on how many days we should have to stay on the boat (until substantial dry land reappears), i’ve determined the voyage should last about 358 days. therefore, i suggest bringing slightly over 10 million pounds of food on board along with giant salt water filters to provide the inhabitants with a copious amount of fresh water. if we start preparing the necessary provisions now, this should be a feasible goal

the numbers don’t lie. a giant boat is what’s needed to save humanity from global warming

given that large areas of some of the world’s major coastal cities will be underwater within the next 50 years, preparation of such a large sea craft should commence within the next 5 years to allow for 10 years to collect the most genetically formidable pairs of each ethnicity and a plentiful 35 years to make the necessary adjustments and preparations

what makes me so sure that making a large sea craft in which to put a pair of every human ethnicity is the right course of action is that such a feat has already been completed in history on a much larger scale. from genesis 7:2-4 god commanded noah to “ take with you seven pairs of every kind of clean animal, a male and its mate, and one pair of every kind of unclean animal, a male and its mate, and also seven pairs of every kind of bird, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth. seven days from now i will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and i will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature i have made.” noah was able to bring seven pairs of every clean animal and build an ark in only 7 days. surely, with our modern technology, it should be quite easy to build a barge for only a pair of every ethnicity of man

when it comes to as catastrophic an issue like global warming we should go with the sure bet. building a boat to escape the rising waters is the only tried and true method

while i think this proposal should be agreeable to anyone serious about responding to climate change and saving the human race, there are some details which may give rise for concern that i shall attempt to address in the following paragraphs

first, what kind of material could be used to make a barge so large that could weather turbulent waves, sudden changes in temperature, and the weight of such a heavy craft? i, myself, had this concern and thought it might be an insurmountable issue to an otherwise airtight proposal. but after the most extensive research, i can say with great confidence that an alloy of nickel, chromium, and several other earth metals should be perfect for such a barge. an alloy as described above has almost complete freedom from chloride induced stress corrosion cracking and excellent mechanical properties at both extremely low and extremely high temperatures

secondly, some might (justly) argue that such a ship would be rather uncomfortable for all those 10,000 people on board. therefore, i propose to bring along a bountiful supply of blankets and pillows, made from the finest egyptian cotton. extra effort should be taken to pad the walls with linens and other soft materials in order to make for a tolerable voyage

i think i’ve made my case quite well that building a boat to avert the destruction of global warming is the most sensible solution, but i shall continue to enumerate several other advantages of this plan

firstly, after a pair of every ethnicity- the last humans in existence- spend over a year to wait out the vast flooding, international relations and cultural understanding would greatly improve. there is no better way to forge a global community than spending it together on a boat in the middle of the ocean, along with the impending responsibility to repopulate the earth once dry land appears

secondly, embracing global warming and a global flood would purge the earth of the detritus and pollution that has plagued our cities and countries for years

i implore the reader to come towards my way of thinking. i have nothing to gain from this suggestion any more than any other man and i am open to other solutions, if they should be reasonable, practical and have a decent chance of succeeding

however, i have spent more than a decade of my life on the topic and have come to realize that other proposed solutions, while well-intentioned, have no chance of succeeding. some have said we should improve the world’s infrastructure of roads and highways to make auto vehicles more energy efficient. some have proposed limits on particularly destructive forms of energy such as coal, hydrofluorocarbons and aerosols. some have proposed investing in alternative sources of energy, such as wind, solar, and hydrothermal. some have suggested cap and trade programs which incentivize innovation, efficiency and early action on pollution issues. and some have proposed to develop sea walls to protect coastal cities from the rising waters

at first glance those seem like reasonable solutions until you realize they cost money and inconvenience the economy

so let’s not delude ourselves. we know boats have worked in the past to protect humanity from catastrophic floods. let’s not change course now when it matters most

- andrew frank lyrics

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