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your life - andrea gibson lyrics

it isn’t that you don’t like boys
is that you only like boys you want to be
david, with his jaw carved out the side of a cliff.
malcolm, who doesn’t have secrets, just stories he owes no one.
chris, the basketball hero with the
tick blinks 15 times when he makes a shot.
you spend hours blinking in the
mirror pretending you’re a star like him.
mary laveen, calls you a dyk- and you don’t
have the language to tell her she’s wrong and right.
so you just show up to her house,
promising to paint your fingernails red with what
will gush from her busted face if she ever says it again.
you’re in the 7th grade you don’t even know you want a girlfriend.
you still believe too much in the people who believe in
jesus to even feel that desire through it’s h-ll threat.
you just want to kick your desk on the way to the princ-p-l’s office,
slouch in detention,
want to cut your hair and spit out whatever you don’t want
in your mouth, your own name even scurrying around the truth.
you don’t yet know the boys are
building their confidence on stolen land.
but you do worry the girls might be occupied with
things you won’t ever understand, won’t ever ever be good at.
you take one pretty step and feel like
your pouring bubbles into your own bloodbath.
you don’t want a soft death, you want a hard life.
that is your life
your life in the locker room that doesn’t
stop demanding you keep your eyes on the floor.
your life at the prom while you run home in a
snowstorm chucking your own pair of heels in a snowbank.
realizing your the only boy you wanted to tear your dress off for.
your life the first christmas you spend alone,
the years you learn to build your family out of scratch.
your life when someone drags you from
a restroom by the collar of your coat.
your life everytime airport security screams,
“pink or blue” “pink or blue” trying to
figure out what machine setting to run you through.
choosing your life and how that made you into someone
who now often finds it easy
to explain your gender by saying you are happiest on
the road when you’re not here or there but in between.
that yellow line running down the
center of it all like a godd-mn sunbeam.
your name is not a song you will sing under your breath
your pr-nouns haven’t even been invented yet.
you are gonna shave your head and drive through texas.
your gonna k!ll your own god,
so you can fall in love for the first time
they are gonna keep telling you,
your heartbeat is a pre-existing condition
they are going to keep telling you, you are a crime of nature.
and you’re going to look at all your options and choose conviction
choose to carve your heart out of the side of a cliff
choose to spend your whole life telling secrets you owe no one
til there isn’t anyone who can call you what you are
you holy blinking star
you highway streak of light falling over and over
for your hard life, your perfect life
your sweet and beautiful life.

- andrea gibson lyrics

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