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a musical condom commercial (live) - alan cumming lyrics

[spoken]
yes, we’re going deep and we’re going deep fast ladies and gentlemen
nah ehehe. (audience clapping and yelling)
[?] to shown us kind of[?] on the floor so
i’m gonna pep things up a little bit. i’d actually to ask you young lady [ahh?]
lady who’s talking to your husband right now
[tsk] about this enormous steak you have right here.(people laughing)
can i show it to people? because i….i thought it was a big potato at first but look at the size and it was like twice the size[?]
you see it?(audience laughing)
i didn’t realize they made cows that big.but please cut in on.(people laughing)
as a vegan the most fabulous thing to have staring as i am [?] hahahahahaha
no please i’m on this i’m not vegan, but i don’t mind people like wrenching dead flesh (laughter) and putting it in their body
i really don’t i really don’t.no, i don’t.. i don’t.. i don’t mean that facetiously and tomorrow you’ll have rotting flesh inside your body,that’s fine
i don’t hahahaha.try the tomato (audience laughing) (coughs)
anyway, so we’re gonna pick things up a little because it shows on the floor,and i’m gonna tell you a hilarious anecdote ladies and gentlemen
ahhhm a few years ago,i got this phone call from this guy and he said ”hey alan! would you like to make a condom commercial for the internet?” and i said tell me more.(laughter)
so, i went for a meeting with these advertising people, i don’t know if you know advertising people, but they are hilarious at the best of times when they are trying to sell you a condom. hahaha. there are hoot and a half
so at this meeting and they were telling me all these qualities of this new condom and their saying things like it was lubricated on the inside and the outside apparently that was a new you know revelation( audience agreed-yah yah), who knew and ahm one of the guys said to me” it shape like a baseball bat you know” and i went” who’s your target audience? (laughter) coz you know i’ve seen a lot of penises but…so…ahm..(clap) and then i said’ so what’s the name of this new kind of condom?” he said ”ecstasy” i said ”i am the perfect person to make this commercial for you’ ’(laughter) so i did.i made this commercial and i’ve got to basically whatever i liked so i made up a 1950’s musical condom commercial and and so i was like the you know the talk show host and ricki lake was my starlet sitting on the sofa with me, and i’d be like “ah ha hah that’s hilarious but before hear any more let’s have a word from our sponsors of trojan condoms.” and then ricki lake go” oh i love trojan condoms” and then we burst into song and sang this ah this little ah trojan condom[ ?] [?] and ah just to pick things up i think we should do ah sing for you now the trojan condom song. unfortunately, ricki lake could not make it tonight ladies and gentlemen,to be with us and so instead mr. lanthorn is going to perform the role of ricki lake. ladies and gentlemen.(claps and yell). (coughs)[?] and as uncanny as just though a hologram of ricki lake were appearing before you.so this…is ecstacy

- alan cumming lyrics

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