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modern major general - adrian d. holmes lyrics

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[major-general stanley]
i am the very model of a modern major-general
i’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral
i know the kings of england, and i quote the fights historical
from marathon to waterloo, in order categorical;

i’m very well acquainted too with matters mathematical
i understand equations, both the simple and quadratical
about binomial theorem i’m teeming with a lot o’ news—
with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

[chorus – pirates, daughters]
with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypote-pote-nuse

[major-general stanley]
i’m very good at integral and differential calculus
i know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
in short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
i am the very model of a modern major-general

[chorus – pirates, daughters]
in short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
he is the very model of a modern major-general!

i know our mythic history, king arthur’s and sir caradoc’s
i answer hard acrostics, i’ve a pretty taste for paradox
i quote in elegiacs all the crimes of heliogabalus
in conics i can floor peculiarities parablous

i can tell undoubted raphaels from gerard dows and zoffanies
i know the croaking chorus from the frogs of aristophanes
then i can hum a fugue of which i’ve heard the music’s din afore
and whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense pinafore

[chorus – pirates, daughters]
and whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense pinafore
and whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense pinafore
and whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense pinafore!

[major-general stanley]
then i can write a washing bill in balylonic cuneiform
and tell you every detail of caractacus’s uniform;
in short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
i am the very model of a modern major-general

[chorus – pirates, daughters]
in short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
he is the very model of a modern major-general!

[major-general stanley]
in fact, when i know what is meant by “mamelon” and “ravelin”
when i can tell at sight a mauser rifle from a javelin
when such affairs as sorties and surprises i’m more wary at
and when i know precisely what is meant by “commissariat”

when i have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery
when i know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery:
in short, when i’ve a smattering of elemental strategy
you’ll say a better major-general has never sat a gee

[chorus – pirates, daughters]
you’ll say a better major-general has never sat a gee
you’ll say a better major-general has never sat a gee
you’ll say a better major-general has never sat-a-sat-a-gee

[major-general stanley]
for my military knowledge, though i’m plucky and adventury
has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
but still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
i am the very model of a modern major-general

[chorus – pirates, daughters]
but still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
he is the very model of a modern major-general!

- adrian d holmes lyrics

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